I left my cell phone at home. I feel so helpless. I've totally forgotten how we used to ignore people before these things.
Raisins are just vegetarian jerky.
My wife said to me "I want you to whisper dirty things into my ear." So I said "kitchen, bathroom, living room.."
My microwave is awesome at heating up my plate and leaving my food frozen.
Seems like every time a tornado lands it hits a trailer park and the media interviews some toothless, fat guy in a t-shirt and cutoffs holding a Chihuahua. My idea: Build decoy trailer parks just outside of town, complete with fake people, so the tornado hits it before it does any real harm. You're welcome Oklahoma.
I can't imagine how long it would've taken to build the Empire State Building if videos of cats and fistfights existed back then.
I would be so much nicer if you were just a little smarter.