If I were a cannibal, I'd work at a tanning salon. That way my dinners would cook themselves.
If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell? Medicine
Steve Jobs is getting his own comic book. It appears DC comics decided The Flash needed a new nemesis.
Hipster farmers don't harvest crops because they're only cool when they're underground.
The sign in the grocery store inviting me to 'grab a Red Box tonight' probably took me to a different place than what they had intended.
What if God had created barbecue sauce on the fourth day? Do you think Adam's rib would have become Eve or lunch instead?
I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing the Christmas stockings.