Don't you hate when you step in gum? You always look like a guy with a prosthetic leg trying to do the moonwalk.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it's not their own.
If a telemarketer calls, give the phone to your 3 year-old and tell them it's Santa.
My parents told me: "You've got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!" so I turned on the subtitles.
People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them.
I disagree with Folgers. The best part of waking up is that you didn't die in your sleep.
Where does the road paved with bad intentions go?