I always seem to lose things when I get drunk. Like my dignity...
Disney World is a lot like Viagra. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Will you be my "it's complicated" on Facebook?
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
We have smart phones and smart cars. Can we start working on making more smart people now?
My body is a work of art. Picasso was an artist, right?
When you eat the entire frozen pizza by yourself, the slogan changes to “It’s not delivery, it’s depression.”