Just told my 5-year-old son, “Don’t lie, Santa doesn’t like that.”
A funeral is the only place where "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean two completely different things.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy bacon, and that's pretty damn close.
Unraveling iPod earbuds in less than 10 minutes qualifies you to perform surgery in most 3rd world countries.
I’m not procrastinating. I just haven’t finished doing nothing yet.
Pizza is like sex, even when its bad its still pretty good.
The only reason "Ladies first" was made was so guys could check out her ass.