The only reason I have sunglasses is so that I can put them on after I say something awesome.
Nothing boosts my self esteem more than being around people who think they're better than me.
A stupid driver cancels out a smart car.
Went to get checked for a hernia and the doctor told me to quit smoking. He told me to cough, so I did, for 2 1/2 minutes.
It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
My grandfather was ½ Cherokee. When he danced, it just got really cloudy...
What do the symbols on bathroom doors look like in Scotland? Stick figure wear kilts for men, longer kilts for the ladies?