Who came up with the design for a Twinkie? Why a flesh-colored tube with white cream inside?
When describing any part of your wife's body, the word 'freakishly' is never, ever appropriate. Apparently.
Don’t run from the police, you’ll just go to jail tired.
This is the first lie I have ever told.
To watch a reality show about a restaurant is to realize how much chef's head-sweat you've eaten in your life.
The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, & nobody else thinks they're jokes.
When I look in the mirror, I'm vaguely confused as to how the hell that sexy beast is made from my parents genes.