A siamese twin fight: I'd pay to see that.
When I was a kid the worst thing you could say to another kid was "YOUR MOM!". I still use it, but only on my kids.
Go ahead and name your daughter Kirsten. We'll switch the i and r in our minds anyway.
There were so many substance abusers at last night's VMAs that Dr. Drew taped an entire season of "Celebrity Rehab" from the audience.
Remember that being called weird is like being called Limited Edition. Meaning you're something people don't see that often.
You're having a bad day when the playful and happy phrase; "Pull my finger," is followed by the horrified shriek; "Oh my god, get a towel!"
Political candidates should be made to wear NASCAR suits so we can tell who their sponsors are.