Chocolate is not better than sex, but at least I can have it at work.
No matter how many college degrees you have, there's a little British kid that sounds way smarter than you when they speak.
The toxicology report confirmed once and for all that there actually was blood in Amy Winehouse's alcohol system.
"Hahaha look at those East Coast idiots freaking out over a little earthquOH MY GOD IS THAT A SLIGHT SNOW FLURRY????" -California
I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".
The shaking from the earthquake today on the east coast was convenient because I had just finished peeing.
Marriage = Betting someone half your stuff that you'll love them forever.