Since it's the thought that counts I'll just keep on thinking about doing exercise.
If I'm going to obey "Love thy neighbor," I need to move.
Easy on the makeup ladies. I don't mind giving you a hug, but I do mind looking like I just cleaned a pottery wheel with only my chest.
Let’s hope the zombie apocalypse doesn’t start in Kenya because there is no way any of us can outrun those bastards.
In an accident with a midget, I asked if he was okay. He said "I'm not happy" so I asked which one he was. And that's how the fight started.
It's hard to show dominance over your cat as he watches you clean his litter box.
Pro tip: when spitting your gum out, make sure to pull your hair back first. Unrelated: hey guys I just got a haircut!