I wish I could autocorrect my life.
I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.
I have a feeling my big break is gonna involve a bone.
Kinda bummed there's no all-transvestite social networking site called Dragnet.
When sitting, aren't we all on crack?
When I say "word to the wise", what I really mean is "word to the stupid."
What's the point of going into space if you're just going to turn around and come back? Did the kids act up?