You know you are getting old when your back goes out more than you do.
I'd tell my boss to go screw himself but he would probably just delegate that to me also.
Sometimes I like to imagine the Grammar Police are real and they're chasing you with handcuffs and a fully-charged taser.
If Bilbo's parents had any sense of humor they would have named him Tea.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Thanks to the Statue of Liberty there's at least a dozen French dudes who's greatest life achievement was making a giant copper toenail.
I'm thinking about bottling my own urine and selling it. I'll call it "I Can't Believe It's Not Bud Light."