A REALLY smart phone would have cut me off before I asked my wife "Have you been gaining weight?
Watching depression medication commercials makes me depressed. I'm just glad herpes commercials don't have the same effect.
Pizza jokes are all about delivery.
WARNING PLEASE READ - I don't usually repost these but... If someone comes to your front door and asks you to remove your clothes and dance with your arms in the air, DO NOT do this, it is a scam, they just want to see you naked. Please copy and paste this to your status - I wish I had received this yesterday. I feel like an idiot now...
A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.
Who knew in 1987 when Steven Tyler wrote "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy?
If reincarnation exists, the next level up from humans better be dinosaurs.