Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
My wife asked me if I drank too much tonight? No, I don't even know who that is. But I raised my glass and said "Here's to Much".
My wife told me to grow a pear... What the fuck does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.
Not even Clint Eastwood could make a Segway cop look badass.
I like to think I'm a pretty honest person, except when my dental hygienist asks me how often I've been flossing.