Insightful Statuses

I’m staring a petition for Barbara Walters to do the Ball Drop next New Year just to hear her say “ I’m Barbara Walters, and this is 2020”

It would be awesome if we had an alarm clock that puts us to sleep instantly at a certain time instead of waking us up.

Jeff Bezos: I'm going to need a divorce. Divorce Attorney: Frequently bought together, gym membership.

The Beach: Where salt actually lowers your blood pressure.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said "That's how I want you to do it"

I'm paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.

Just a word of advice to all you single guys out there. If you want to meet someone nice forget the dating sites or facebook and check the freezer section and down the cat food aisle.