A recent study shows that having sex every day improves the quality of the sperm. My son will ride the short bus all the way to his grave.
I sent a tweet via text message 45 minutes ago and it still hasn't gone through yet. I think my phone may've unfollowed me.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
I read to blind kids in my spare time. Their favorite book is "2dots1dot3dots 4dots3dots 5dots2dots1dot 2dots1dot5dots."
Would you rather have world peace, or have Justin Beiber lose his vocal chords? Quick! This genie is getting impatient!
The guy who cares for animals at the zoo could leave any girl unsatisfied and she'd still have to tell her friends "he's a keeper you guys"
Listen lady, the sign says, "No shoes, no shirt, no service." It doesn't say anything about pants.