Insightful Statuses

We need to start thinking what kind of world we're leaving to Keith Richards after we die.

I hope my coworkers think my clicking furiously on the computer is a sign of productivity, rather than trying to beat my time on minesweeper

Me: It's a dark comedy with no romance and everything goes wrong for the main character. Her: Which film? Me: Film? I'm describing my life.

I don't trust stairs. They always look like they're up to something.

The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.

I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far

My girl is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry. :-/