My brother just said "I make girls scream my name in 10 different languages " HAHA What a dumbass!
I have a kleptomania problem. I should probably take something for it.
Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
My wife asked me if I drank too much tonight? No, I don't even know who that is. But I raised my glass and said "Here's to Much".
My wife told me to grow a pear... What the fuck does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
Let my little brother take my paddle to school for show and tell. Mom called to tell me he got sent home for "trying to haze the red headed kids at recess."