Insightful Statuses

I need to get my birthday suit taken in. ✂️

Thanks to Apple, I'm 29 S today

Without that little voice in your head you wouldn't be able to read this.

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes. I got a nice Rolex from my lesbian neighbors. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch...

It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "right of way" with "immortality".

My autocorrect just changed "meditate" to "medicate". It knows me too well.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.