Insightful Statuses

This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interested in swings from a pole and has daddy issues.

Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.

I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say “Don’t get smart with me!”

A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.

Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.

For Halloween I'm going as the US government. When kids come by to trick-or-treat I will take a bite of 1/3 of all their candy.

The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!