Insightful Statuses

I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.

It’s shocking that Starbucks hasn’t added “IV bag” to the list of sizes

I can confirm that crying is an actual step in the process of doing math

It’s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitoes!

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

I hate it when people call dogs “stupid”. I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poo?

The expiration date on this bottle of vodka is one hour from now.