Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Do you, take Ted the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I'd probably choke it.
Tequila probably won’t fix your problems, but it’s worth a shot.
My alarm clock stopped working, so I'll be setting the microwave for 8 hours while I sleep on the kitchen floor.