Insightful Statuses

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood by her hands. For instance, if they are holding a gun she's probably angry.

Sorry. I'm just now seeing your text from last night. Do you still need that EpiPen?

I woke up screaming this morning. Then I had to apologize to everyone in the staff meeting.

I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won’t have to talk to them.

Black Friday is starting to turn into Black Thursday...

Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."

I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.