Insightful Statuses

Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words.

Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way.

Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you're ugly.

I'm not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.

I don't want my wife getting massages. All that can happen is she learns that other people can touch her better than I do.

The older I get, the more badly I realize I need adult supervision.