Insightful Statuses

1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave

There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.

Caller ID should be more detailed~ “Wants Help Moving” “Going to Whine” “Will Ask to Borrow Money

They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs

Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job

This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”

I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.