Insightful Statuses

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

If I've learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.

Condoms do NOT guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.

I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…

If it's true that God closes a door then opens a window, he probably just dropped a bomb in the bathroom.

My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.