I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. And if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
In alcohol's defense, I've done some pretty dumb stuff while completely sober too...
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn't need a stage name, pick something else.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.