Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..
The best part about growing old with you is that I'll always be the younger one.
I have ADHD so bad that I should probably never throw a boomerang...
I hope my nintendogs are alright. I haven’t fed them in 6 years.
The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.
I think there may be blood in my alcohol system. No seriously, I'm going to have to shut the brewery down. This is a very serious health hazard.
Whenever I'm walking and see a car at a red light I like to wave until the person rolls their window down. Then I say, "You know, you can't park there"