Some days you just have to say "screw it, I'm busting out the cookie dough."
Be a pessimist, you're always either right or pleasantly surprised.
Amigo
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Amigo
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure most people who walk around with ear pods in aren’t listening to anything and just don’t want anyone to talk to them.
math always makes me want to give a blowjob to a really sharp knife
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.