Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Just saw the coolest magic trick at Qdoba! This guy turned 30 cents worth of rice and beans into $7.50
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
Nothing like someone posting a 7th grade photo of you on Facebook to bruise your ego.
I hate how funerals are always at like 9 or 10 AM. I'm not a mourning person.
I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
Every time I hear Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher," I can't help but hope he wasn't home schooled.