If I put as much effort into my job as I do picking teams for my NCAA bracket, I would be a millionaire.
I don't get why people pay $400 a month in child support. According to the commercials, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.
I’m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come, let me know.
After saying, "What?" three times, you just have to agree.
I can't unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
If you need Facebook to remind you it's your wife's birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.