I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.
Cyberbilly
The nice thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
A picture used to say a thousand words, before Photoshop and strategic cell phone angles
Michael Mendoza
Microwave logic: lets make half of this meal completely frozen, and the other half ridiculously hot to eat.
I found Samuel L. Jackson's swear jar and I don't think he's being completely honest with himself.
Cyberbilly
Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.