Insightful Statuses

It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

I keep setting my DVR to record "the biggest loser", but it keeps recording Oakland Raider games.

Some people update their Facebook status at the most inappropriate times and this is the longest damn eulogy I have ever heard!

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

My gold fish gets so happy when I take him out of the tank, he starts jumping.

I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. That crazy thing would never shut up. The parrot was kind of cool, though.

Spooning may lead to forking.