The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
Dave Asten
The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.
Dave Asten
Ten years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that's still available.
Dave Asten
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Every time I go to the pool in my bathing suit I can feel all the women dressing me with their eyes.
My mom and dad just told me that I was adopted... last week by another family.
I'm not saying lets kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying lets remove all the labels and let the problem sort itself out.