Insightful Statuses

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor...

Whoever said “Procrastination doesn’t pay” CLEARLY has never seen my average day at work.

My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow. I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button.

I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option.

My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry which led to me playing a game of Uno.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I'm scared that it's closed.

I like it when I buy a bag of air, and the company is nice enough to put some chips in it.