I think my girlfriend's hallucinating. She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince Jesus that God doesn't exist, then holding your breath and stomping your feet when he disagrees.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely.
Took a friend's advice to help me sleep better & tried bringing a book to bed but it's so hard coloring in the lines while I'm lying down.
What's the dividing line between emo and grumpy? It is age or wardrobe?
GOOD: Getting a 'thinking of you' card in the mail. BAD: The card is from the IRS.
People say 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn't agree.