Laughter is the best medicine... except for treating diarrhea.
The kids these days have Twitter instead of Facebook when your parents have it too. No one wants to see dad poking mom!
Having a picture of your car as your Facebook pic does not make me think you have a cool car. It makes me think you hate your face.
Picking Yoshi in Mario Kart before your friends did was the jr. high version of calling "Shotgun"
I'm nicknamed Spider. It sounds tough, but it's really because I'm more scared of you than you are of me.
The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
My husband: It'd be nice to have a wife who cooked breakfast. Me: Can we get one?