The only way that raising children could be any harder is if they decided to unionize.
Just told my 5-year-old son, “Don’t lie, Santa doesn’t like that.”
A funeral is the only place where "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean two completely different things.
If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning. I'd hammer in the evening. My neighbors would hate me.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy bacon, and that's pretty damn close.
Unraveling iPod earbuds in less than 10 minutes qualifies you to perform surgery in most 3rd world countries.
I’m not procrastinating. I just haven’t finished doing nothing yet.