Insightful Statuses

Finally had "the talk" with my daughter about the birds & bees. Hardest part was explaining the whips and handcuffs.
I got excited when I made this cute baby smile. Then she put it in perspective by giggling at the fat slob next to me when he burped.
Wife called and said she's bringing me a salad home from McDonalds...that's like going to a hooker for a hug.
I saw a mosquito stand on my arm and let it bite me while I just stared and said "is it in yet?" to make it feel insecure about itself.
I have a half brother....no seriously, he's a midget.
Pretty stoked the Tooth fairy doesn't exist. Some creep that sneaks into a kid's bedroom, while they sleep, for souvenirs is traumatizing.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
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