Falling asleep? Cool. Hey I need to pee like immediately." - my body, every day
Whenever I try to make "eggs over easy", I break the yolk. Henceforth, I am calling them "eggs over difficult".
I can never quite get over the irony of people fighting for the parking bay closest to the front door of the gym.
I wish I had three hands so that I could flip people off inside of air quotes.
Women shouldn't have children after forty. Because, really, forty children should be enough.
Saw a CNN story titled, "Is Sex Advice In 'Transformers 3' Better Than Nothing?" Turned off my computer. Lit my journalism degree on fire.
There's a 99% chance that you're awesome. Act like it.