I hate meeting new people, they're all like crying and covered in placenta and stuff.
Are you SURE you hung up the phone before you started trashing the person you were just talking to?" -- My brain, being a jerk
Who came up with the design for a Twinkie? Why a flesh-colored tube with white cream inside?
When describing any part of your wife's body, the word 'freakishly' is never, ever appropriate. Apparently.
The Dr. wanted a mid-stream urine sample. I never imagined there could be layers.
When I look in the mirror, I'm vaguely confused as to how the hell that sexy beast is made from my parents genes.
I've learned I can put an end to close talkers by sneaking in for a quick kiss.