The shaking from the earthquake today on the east coast was convenient because I had just finished peeing.
Marriage = Betting someone half your stuff that you'll love them forever.
I was making fun of hipsters before making fun of hipsters was cool.
Lil' Wayne has four children at the age of 28 and T.I has six at the age of 30. I think it's safe to say these guys aren't wrappers.
The letters T and G are really close on a keyboard. Related: I'm never ending a work email with "Regards" again.
My only requirement for a best friend is that they promise to show up and delete my browser history the minute I die.
If they call diarrhea the "runs", why don't they call constipation the "stop"?