Chocolate is not better than sex, but at least I can have it at work.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Wanna get some amusement today? Tell your mom to make sure she rewinds that DVD before she puts it away.
The toxicology report confirmed once and for all that there actually was blood in Amy Winehouse's alcohol system.
"Hahaha look at those East Coast idiots freaking out over a little earthquOH MY GOD IS THAT A SLIGHT SNOW FLURRY????" -California
I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".
WTF is it with signs on cars that say "FOR SALE BY OWNER"? You mean to say I could've sold my neighbor's piece of crap parked out front?