I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Scientists are developing a drug to counteract diseases associated with obesity. No name yet, but my suggestion would be, "A Salad."
Bears vs Giants would be freaking crazy if it was a Discovery channel show instead of an NFL game.
Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl didn't put out much.
I'm going to invent a GPS for kids that says, "We're not there yet", "We're not there yet", "We're not there yet"...
I'm at a fancy posh restaurant in Los Angeles and this waiter is trying to tuck my napkin down my pants. GOD I HOPE HE'S A WAITER!
After the third time he yelled "IT'S A TRAP" to a girl at the bar it became abundantly clear that Admiral Akbar was an awful wing man.