Insightful Statuses

I may look calm but in my head I've killed you more than three times.
Dear Sharks: You may get your own week on TV, but house cats get their own eternity on the internet.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Let's be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy doesn't think he's the most interesting man in the world?
There is NO WAY that Bert and Ernie are gay. They haven't changed their outfits in 25 years.
Women may be the only thing that are easier to pick up as they get heavier.
My wife said she feels safe when I'm next to her in bed. I was surprised because our neighbors always scream after I snuggle up to them.
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