If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll be happy to do it for you.
Not taking Standard and Poor's seriously until they downgrade Ke$ha to Ke¢ha.
If you're having trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
BREAKING: eBay has downgraded the United States's feedback rating to AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA+++++++++++++++++++ GREAT SELLER!!!!!
I once woke up next to a beautiful girl and thought 'Yes!' only to have her wake up, see me and mutter 'Thats it, No more drinking for me!'
Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you, because drugs are expensive these days
The biggest mistake a married man can make, is correctly loading the dishwasher.