Twitter: Where we all write our wrongs.
My wife thinks I'm at work. My boss thinks I'm home sick. These ducks think I'm awesome cos I have the bread.
When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, "Sounds like group therapy where no one's getting better." Well played, Mom. Well played.
I leave the seat up in the ladies room so the next girl gets scared.
We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it.
Drunk drivers will blow past a stop sign. Stoned drivers will stop and wait for it to turn green.
I wonder if Tiger Woods' parents met at a Black Thai affair.