Seeing talk of Brett Favre returning reminds me of the horror movie villain that keeps coming back after you think they are finished off.
I want to wear glasses just so I can take them off and rub my eyes with my palms in exasperation when someone says something stupid.
If I'm going to obey "Love thy neighbor," I need to move.
Easy on the makeup ladies. I don't mind giving you a hug, but I do mind looking like I just cleaned a pottery wheel with only my chest.
Let’s hope the zombie apocalypse doesn’t start in Kenya because there is no way any of us can outrun those bastards.
In an accident with a midget, I asked if he was okay. He said "I'm not happy" so I asked which one he was. And that's how the fight started.
Pro tip: when spitting your gum out, make sure to pull your hair back first. Unrelated: hey guys I just got a haircut!