There's a special place in hell for murderers and the guy who decided what time breakfast ends at McDonalds.
Whenever I'm sad and think that I haven't made much of my life, I go to Wal-Mart.
If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they're and their. From now on I'm going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
My friend's Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It's as secure as my pants.
Dear dog, I gave you that stuffed animal to play with, not to do THAT with...
My wife said to me "I want you to whisper dirty things into my ear." So I said "kitchen, bathroom, living room.."