Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I'd like to party like its 1999, then I realize that was 14 years ago and I can't stay up past 11 o'clock now. So screw you Prince.
I won’t be coming into work tomorrow because I’m participating in a sleep study.
I'm awesome at "picking up dropped food, pretending to set it aside in the bag or corner of my plate, nonchalantly eating it seconds later."
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
When the kids are bad this time of year, I tell them I just burned one of their presents. If they're really bad, I say it was the puppy.
I need a Shazam app for people I'm supposed to recognize but can't remember